Per's funny corner

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

From "Rules of real programmers":

Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to read!

25 proverbs to a healthier life:

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming..
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Funny one-liners:

Misfortune - The kind of fortune that never misses.
A pessimist is an optimist with life experience.
He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so certain.
Laura's Law: "No child throws up in the bathroom."
If A=B and B=C, then A=C except where void or prohibited by law.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Does The Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Climate is what we expect. Weather is what we get.
On a scale from 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
Money isn't everything, but it helps...
Finish the project. We'll buy you a new family.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
Camels have wet dreams too.
Three days of testing can save 10 minutes reading manuals.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.
I saw the Exorcist three times. Don't know what posessed me.
Hello, Incontinence Hotline? ... please hold.
Vedi, veni, velcro ... I came, I saw, I stuck around.
I passed my Ethics course. I cheated of course.
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
I locked my coathanger in my car. Good thing I had my key.
Refuse Novocaine : Trancend Dental Medication.
Not many people realise just how well known I am.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
If you want to know about paranoids, follow them around.
I'm a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
I may rise today, but I refuse to shine.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
Call me schizo, but I'll always have each other.
Being popular is important, otherwise people might not like you.
Drink your coffee! There are poor people in India sleeping.
Dijon Vu : The feeling you've tasted that mustard before.
I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is two weeks.
I admire an atheist, it takes a lot of faith.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
What did the bird say when it landed on the computer? - "Quit, quit".
No, Fido! Watch out for the car! $%#&$Ü%$ NO TERRIER
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
The best way to stop a horse is to bet on it...
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance...
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left...

Windows errors:

Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.
Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
WIN.COM halted; Bill Gates was wrong - 640K is not enough.
Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
Nonexistent error - This cannot really be happening.
This error is reserved for future mistakes.
Too many windows open, causing draft.
Multitasking attempted. System confused.
Broken window. Watch out for glass fragments.
Horrible bug encountered. God knows what happened.
Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Door locked. Try control-alt-delete.
Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry.
Illegal error. Do not get this error.
Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost.

It's gonna be a rotten day when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You see a TV news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there
aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you
don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says,"Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Strange sayings:

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; My schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded, your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Computer stuff:

Error reading drive C. Abort, Retry, Ignore, Get Linux?
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
If we didn't have C, we would have had BASI, OBOL and PASAL.
Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue!
DOS never says "Excellent filename or command".
Hey, what does this reset butto
OS/2 - Half an operating system.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert cup and press any key
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
<-------- The information went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM halted...Cereal port not responding
The name is Baud...... James Baud.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
E Pluribus Modem
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
All computers wait at the same speed.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Hit any user to continue.
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Bumper stickers:

What came first, the woman or the department store?
I tried to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light!
Death to all fanatics!
Lawyer: A cat who settles disputes between mice.
Tractor pulls: For people who can't understand wrestling.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
If you can't say something nice, say something surreal.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
Love: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
LSD: Virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
I don't want the whole world, just your half.
"Energize," said Kirk, and the pink bunny appeared.
Purranoia: The fear that your cats are up to Something!
I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
Professionals are predictable - amateurs are DANGEROUS!
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Seppuku: Unique Japanese way to let it all hang out.
Computer science: Solving today's problems tomorrow.
Suture Self Magazine, the home guide to personal surgery.
Entomology: I fear no weevil.
Zebra: A sports model jackass.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

Dictionary:

Artery ..................... the study of paintings
Bacteria ............. the back door of a cafeteria
Bandages .............................. rock groups
Barium .......... what doctors do when patients die
Botulism .......................... making mistakes
Bowel .............. a letter like a, e, i, o, or u
Caesarean section .......... a neighborhood in Rome
Cardiac ................. someone addicted to poker
Cat Scan ...................... searching for kitty
Cauterize ........... made eye contact with Hillary
Colic ......................... a kind of sheep dog
Cortisone .................... the justice building
D & C .................... where the White House is
Dilate ........................ to live a long time
Enema ................................ not a friend
G.I. series ................... a soldier ball game
Hangnail ................................ coat hook
ICU .................................... peek-a-boo
Impotent ................ distinguished, well-known
Labor pain ................... getting hurt at work
Medical staff ..................... a doctor's cane
Morbid ............................. a higher offer
Nitrates ................... cheaper than day rates
Node ................................. was aware of
Organ transplant .... time to call the piano movers
Outpatient ................... a person who fainted
Pap Smear ....................... a fatherhood test
Pelvis ..................... Elvis Presley's cousin
Plaster cast .................. free beer backstage
Post-operative ......................... a mail man
Recovery room ............ a place to do upholstery
Rectum ....................... damn near killed 'em
Red blood count ........................... Dracula
Seizure ............................. Roman Emperor
Surgery ..................... a reason to get a UPS
Tablet .............................. a small table
Terminal illness ........................... D.I.A.
Triple bypass ...... tricky route on the interstate
Triple bypass ..... better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor ............................... more than one
Urine ...................... opposite of you're out
Varicose ................................... nearby
Vein .................................... conceited
Waiting room ........................ a heavy space